just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
