Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
