You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
