I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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