Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
