Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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