wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
