I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
