He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
