It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
