my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
