I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
