grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
