He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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