im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
