Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize