Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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