you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
