4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
