please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
