Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
