We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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