I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize