Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
