I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
