and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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