Will you blow on my dice?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
