Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
