I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
