well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
