come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
