I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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