Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
