apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
