you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
