Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
