Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i think my mom watched the whole time
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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