Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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