he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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