Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize
