How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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