I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
