Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
