i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
