it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
