Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
