omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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