Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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