So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
