So drunk its hurt
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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