Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
