'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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