Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
