You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
