hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
