She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
