I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she peed on how many people?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
