and you said cock pushups were impossible
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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