I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
