Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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