i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
